A: Dear Just Not Fair,

Yours is a long note, and I left it pretty much intact. It's a straightforward summation of years of your life, and I felt it best to let you speak.

For the record: I am not a lawyer. I'm not a therapist, nor a shrink, nor a pharmacist. I'm not a judge (in any sense of the word), so I'm just going to wade right in here and hope you hear this from someone who very much understands a lot of what you're going through.

First: Congratulations on the past two years. Stability is a hard- won state, and I know how much it can take to maintain that.

Second: I doubt your ex is ever going to be cool with all you deal with. I believe he sympathized with you when he signed up, but I doubt he had any idea what that promise entailed. That said, I get it. Who could know?

Third: Your parents sound awesome.

Now take a deep breath, because I'm going to talk about your kids. You actually have three children. Your mental stability will forever be an unpredictable 2-year-old. You must treat and protect it the same way you would your son and daughter. You must make tough decisions to defend it, and sometimes move at a pace that you find frustrating. The second you ignore it, it will dart into traffic.

I don't think your ex-husband is a bad guy, frankly. He lovingly signed up with a woman who already had a child; the fact he underestimated the next five years makes him perhaps naive, but not malicious. From your note it appears he has always treated your daughter well. The lack of a mention of her father in the picture makes me glad for this.

I don't think he's mean, but I do think he's scared. He has watched the woman he once loved catapult all over the place, and been totally unable to fix it. Men, especially, like to fix things. It's a lovely trait for something like a broken tap, but he can't fix you and he watched a succession of people who supposedly could, be unable to.

Our legal system is broken. It is supposed to serve people, but it mostly forgets that actual human beings get caught up under its wheels every day. This is why it is always always always better for a couple to make arrangements long before a judge gets to. Nobody wins, and in the ensuing years, those children get batted around like ping pong balls. Remember I said your mental stability was one of those children?

Several things jumped out of your letter at me. Your ex is requesting visitation with your daughter. This is a good thing. He cares about her, and he cares about the relationship she has with her brother. There is nothing worse than half- or step-siblings being treated differently. It can lead to a wasp's nest of bitterness that often lasts a lifetime.

You may not like to hear this, but I think you should encourage her. If she 'doesn't want to', as you note, it's your job as her mother to understand the importance of this relationship. You're the grown up. Try. At least try.

I understand your frustration and desperation at being unable to get help in the courts, from lawyers and the process. Again, I've yet to meet a single family served well once things get this far along. So, you need to look elsewhere for answers, and for peace.

You say in the past two years you've seen 'many therapists'. This actually concerns me. You need one. You need a tether, a trusted ally. You can't do this with drugs alone, and I think your next big step is finding a therapist you trust, and sticking with them. I realize that's hard; it's also imperative. Sorry if I've misread, and you've already done this. I'm going to say something I hope you won't misconstrue, especially if I'm wrong: bouncing from therapist to therapist and lawyer to lawyer can often indicate you're not hearing what you want to hear. Think about that.

No divorced people are ever happy with how their children split their time. Many people use the threat of sole custody like a sword, only to discover how difficult it is to raise children alone, and how unfair it is to deprive those children of their other parent. Children should rightfully be protected from abusive parents; they should never be shielded from imperfect ones.

Here's the thing: children make up their own minds. It's hard to understand that when they're young, but time flies and children are sponges. They miss nothing, they form their own opinions, but most importantly, they never forget who tried to poison them.

You're absolutely right that admitting you need help is still used against you. In the courts, in the workplace, within our own families. It doesn't mean you don't do it. Many of us are trying to change the perception. It's difficult, but it's doable. All I can tell you is that every day you wake up and walk the walk, push aside the demons when they surface, and are an asset in your own life, is another brick in the wall. Protecting your stability and being judicious with your resources, both emotional and financial, will ultimately benefit your children more than any round in a court room – even if you win the round.

I am not going to suggest you stop trying to be in your son's life more. I am going to suggest that 'fighting' for him will wound you both. Not to get all Solomon on you, but you're pulling this child in half, and you're expending a lot of money, emotion and time doing it. So is his father. For what most couples spend on lawyers to argue, they could pay for their kid's college tuition.

Nothing is fair. Nothing. Leave that frustration behind. Create a healthy environment for yourself and your children. Channel the rage and frustration into physical activity. Map out your next courses of action about schooling and work, and put in place steps you can take to achieve them. You may not take a step every day, but at least be facing in the right direction. Establish a rhythm for your children that is reliable and safe. Establish a pattern of consistency. This demonstrates your stability more than stating it ever can. It may not be fair, but if mental illness brought you to the dance, that is who you dance with.

Child custody issues are horrendous on everyone, not just those coping with a mental illness. The strain and stress can exacerbate existing conditions, and create new ones. This is no mystery. What you have to be able to do is not focus on what you want, but what truly will most benefit your children: a stable, predictable mother who will maximize her resources to make their lives loving and supportive. You may not be able to prove much to your ex-husband, but you can certainly model your capacity for strength and wisdom for your children.

One last note: things change. Don't despair what you can't alter today because life, and all its players, never remain the same.

Work on staying strong.

A: Dear Help,

I'm not quite sure where to start unravelling this.

First, your sister isn't waiting for the privilege of staying over at a boy's house. She's doing it. If you and your mother quit covering for her (which I highly recommend), she'd have to negotiate for the same privilege you want, no? You and your sister are on the same side in this equation – you're dividing and conquering each other before your father even gets to the fight.

But let's back up. You have just learned that nothing is free. That free education has cost you your father viewing you as an adult. When it was His House, His Rules and it worked the way you liked (no job, bills paid), it was a good trade. But you are finally learning something important about your father: his currency. It's not dollars, it's control.

What you've written indicates that you and your sister aren't too concerned about loosening emotional ties with your parents; her actions are flagrant and, quite frankly, rude. You say you're totally capable of making your own decisions about men (or boys), and maybe you are. But the nut in the middle of this letter is that while you're not afraid of testing your father's control emotionally, you don't want to risk the sweet deal you both enjoy living at home. Can't have both, cookie.

'Responsible young women' work. 'Responsible young women' don't regularly sneak into the house with their mother abetting them. "Responsible young women' takes those educations, and, perhaps, rent an apartment together so they can demonstrate just how responsible they truly are. Oh wait. You wouldn't want to live with your sister, would you? Because she's not remotely responsible, and nobody knows it better than you. I'm sorry if you feel unfairly maligned with the brush you tar your sister with, but by helping her to thumb her nose at house rules, when you rightfully want to address them in a mature way, you only mess up your own cause. How can you be viewed as separate from her when you're assisting her?

I actually have some sympathy for you. I do. I believe by age 23 young people should be able to negotiate their way in the dating – and yes, sex – world in a responsible, respectful way. I don't even have a problem with you sleeping with the wrong men; that's life. I also believe that your mother isn't helping by splitting parenting styles. If she feels strongly enough about your sister coming in at 7am to cover for her, she should feel strongly enough to address your father about revisiting rules for the two of you.

Ultimately, this has little to do with differences between you and your sister. I treat my sons differently in different areas, and they know why. This is about your father governing by edict, and you finding it suffocating now it means you can't have the freedom you crave. I doubt your father would attend a family counselling session, though it would be eye opening for all of you. He no doubt loves you very much, and believes he is simply doing what he has always done: supporting and protecting his family. But until you turn a spotlight on all the behaviours at play here – your mother, you, your sister – and recognize the selfishness factoring in, nothing will change. Your mother is delaying the inevitable – your father will find out. Nobody wins an ultimatum, and I'd hate for your father to be backed into a corner. But by acting the way you all are, it'll happen.

I was actually the only one of my sisters who lived at home as an adult. I moved out around age 23 (yes, an eon ago) and my father was very much like yours. But I renegotiated boundaries that didn't fit anymore; neither my father nor I was particularly thrilled, but that's the sign of a good compromise.

If your father sees you maturing in other areas, you might find more avenues open up. But ultimately, your life is your own, and if you want to make your own decisions you have to finance them, own them, and be responsible for them.

A: Dear How Much,

First, rest assured this scenario is being played out in households all over the place. Doesn’t make your situation any easier, but I personally still find a little comfort in numbers.

I have to remind myself – often – that times are different. When I trundled off to university, tuition was 1500 bucks. I lived at home and car pooled to Hamilton, and could earn my tuition working full time each summer making $5 an hour. The good old days. I do know that university costs more – my son has delayed it a year, and cost is a factor.

However. Let’s use the car purchase as a Ghost of Budgets Past. You and your son had an agreement, and he broke it. It’s likely you will make another agreement, and he will break that one too. I find some kids have this weird idea that higher education is something they are doing for us. Nope. If he thinks he is doing this for you, it stands to reason he expects you to pay for it. The first thing I would do is gently explain that this is his life, and as much as you may have hopes and dreams for him, he will ultimately have to achieve them on his own. The first step is acquiring the marks to be accepted into a course of study. The next step is having a plan in place to pay for it.

You already know the value he will place on this if you pay for it. Save yourself the money and stress. If he works full time from February to the end of August, he can save enough for school. I don’t know if he’s looking at residence; if so, that’s a bundle more. I would ask him if he’s looked into available grants (if you’re a single Mom, there are some programs available). I would ask him if he knows how much meal plans and books are. Define the mountain before you try to climb it.

My guess is that he won’t be able to work the numbers. My advice is that you don’t do it for him. He’s still young. I would offer to let him still live at home while he works the remainder of this year to save, and if necessary, until the fall of 2012 if that is what it is going to take. I’ll be honest: he already has a car and money for poker. It’s going to be hard to find a carrot big enough, and you’re probably going to end up using the stick. I don’t care what his friends’ parents are doing: we don’t owe our kids a university education especially if they aren’t trying to get one for themselves.

The bigger problem here, however, isn’t your first born. It’s the signal you send to the next two by what you do now. If Number One gets a free ride and endless second chances, you will be left with two more who justifiably expect the same thing. You can’t afford that, financially or emotionally, and it’s not good for them anyway. The other problem is if Kid Two and Kid Three manage to plan and finance their own ways, Kid One could very well become the one that you bail out forever. Trust me: the resentment that will build between the siblings will be a lifelong albatross. It is far easier to change the path of an 18-year-old than a 45-year-old.

Sit him down. Present how much the car is costing. If he is the principal driver, I’ll estimate that insurance is close to 500 bucks a month. If he’s not the principal driver, you are risking insurance fraud (I don’t know all the details: I’m going by what you told me). The two of you need to calculate what university is going to cost – if he is in residence, he won’t need the car. Factor in how much he needs to earn to make school happen. If he can’t come up with a reasonable plan, he can’t go. If he plans to live at home while saving for school, he has to fork over to you a (high) percentage of his pay to you to save in lieu of board. He doesn’t like that idea? Fine. He is now officially working and paying rent.

University is too expensive to help someone finance who doesn’t want to be there. He has to take the lead in making it happen, or go off and do something else that is productive. Not everyone takes the same route; I urge you not to compare your children’s journeys to others. A year or two spent finding direction now is far cheaper and less disruptive than doing it in 5 years. Or twenty.

As parents, our job isn’t to make children. It’s to make adults.

A: Dear At A Loss,

You have two options: you can stay or you can go. But what happens within those options is where your life gets in gear.

I’m glad you have dismissed the idea of an ultimatum out of hand. I hate those things, and tell anyone who is presented with one to do whatever the deliverer doesn’t want. Even when you ‘win’ an ultimatum, you lose. People need to arrive at their own decisions, or they will never live happily within them.

After 3.5 years, your concerns here are totally valid. You have been open and honest. You aren’t playing games. You are contemplating the next chapter of your life, and the decisions you make right now are important. Probably the most important.

It has been my experience that men don’t do things, because they don’t want to. It’s rarely more complicated than that. If they don’t call you, it’s because they don’t want to. If they don’t wipe down the counters after they make a sandwich, it’s because they don’t want to. Conversely, if they want something, they will hunt it down like a hungry jackal on a National Geographic special. Remember when he wanted to get you into bed? Remember when he wanted to get home in time for the game? Remember when he spent that entire Saturday getting to the next level? Yeah. They can do things, when they want to.

Maybe all the babifying going around you is scaring him. Having little kids sucks, if you ask me. And you should. I have two. It’s overwhelming at the best of times, and I have no clue how you identify the best of times. Ask him. Maybe watching from the sidelines is making him think you have to live through it all at once. You don’t; you only have to get through each day. And they’re kinda cute at the various stages, and then they get big enough take out the garbage and shovel snow. There is no perfect time to have kids; but two parents who love each other can iron out a boatload of wrinkles.

You would be wrong to let things roll along like this when you are hurting. I suggest you talk to him, and I suggest you say things like this: “As much as I love you, and as much as we have had general discussions about our future, I’m concerned that we are not having a conversation that very much needs to happen. I don’t believe someone should be pressured into something as important as marriage and children. However, for the same reason, I know I can’t live a life without those two things, and I have no interest in coercing you. But my feelings are as valid as yours. These are things I want. I want these things with you, but if you have had a change of heart you owe me that truth, however difficult it might be to say.”

This is not an ultimatum. This is a truth that, I’m guessing, will be painful for you to put in words. Sometimes all the big things really do line up, and it’s just a lot of details that are gumming up the works. This gives him a chance to tell you which it is. This decision is only between the two of you, and anyone else is extraneous to the conversation.

Here’s a concrete thing I recommend: take some time apart. Whether you take off for a girls’ weekend, or take a road trip to nowhere on your own (my favourite thinking time), both of you need a few days to think this through. This is a very big crossroads, but one neither of you can afford to delay any longer. If you’re meant to go forward together, both of you need to be on board in a positive, excited way. And if you’re not, you need to let each other go with dignity so you can both fulfill that which will make you happy.

God, that sounds obsequious. But I do mean it. Unless he’s rabidly into having kids, save yourself and move on. Better you define yourself and aim high then let someone else decide who you are and settle for crumbs. Life’s too short.

A: Hi BIOBYH,

Can I put my tent in both camps? I know. Weazel answer to a very important question. I first should make clear than I have an uncanny ability to remember my youth. Every embarrassing, sordid moment. But it is because of this that I refuse to lie to my sons, and more importantly, myself. Delusional Parenting should be outlawed.

I've spoken with enough cops and counsellors to know how touchy this subject is. The second a kid is told they can't do something is the second they'll want to try. Actually, that's not just kids. Ever seen an "Unassumed Road - Use at Own Risk' sign stop most people? There is something in our DNA that says "I have to find out for myself". I don't actually think this is a bad thing. I'm more concerned by individuals who are prepared to let someone else package up their experiences for them, and gingerly step through life never touching the electric rails. I think everyone should live their life, not watch it fly by the window.

Having said that, I think its important for parents to know that not all kids want to drink. Really. There is a difference between being an overseer and being an instigator. I despise parents who encourage their kids to get drunk or high with them. That's evil, frankly. That's not your job. Your job is to explain the law, the social consequences and the consequences within your home. And there should be consequences, just like in the real world.

I don't think parents who enforce the law should be told to change; I also don't think parents who make adaptations to it should be told to change. We parent individuals, and we parent as individuals.

But here's the thing for me: I believe the single most important thing you can have with your teen is trust. I believe if your child knows they can talk to you, about anything, that ability will be a lifeline through every bumpy road they will encounter. I want my boys to be able to talk to me. That means they have to be able to be honest without me losing my mind. If your child knows they will be penalized for speaking the truth, they will lie. Period. If they confess to something that makes your hair curl, it is because they want your guidance. Here's your chance to guide them, not slam them with punitive measures that will ensure only that they will never come to you again.

I once knew a young lady I adored. At 15, she tearfully told me that she couldn't talk to her parents about anything. I knew her parents very well. I asked why. She said they had never drunk as teens, never done drugs, and were each other's first sexual partners. She could never live up to that, and fearing they would think less of her, she told them nothing. A 15-year-old guiding herself. A 15-year-old with two lying dogs for parents. They had done all of this, and far more, and I knew it. I wondered how this example was serving this child they claimed to love. Set an impossible standard and berate her for failing? The hypocrisy was blinding.

I do not buy my sons booze. I know my sons have experimented. Yes, I have seen both of them drunk, and it is not a proud moment. But I measure my reaction. Couple of times a year? Monthly? Weekly? Daily? I do not have my head up my butt regarding their transgressions, but I am far more likely to hear the truth - and be able to act accordingly - by talking openly with them.

We have a smoking bribe in place, and it seems to be working. Both boys were told when they were very young that I didn't want them smoking. My father, a nonsmoker, died with lungs full of asbestos, and watching someone struggle for 7 years just to breathe as he spit out pieces of his lungs is not something I ever wish to revisit. So. Each kid was told if they made it to their 20th birthday without having smoked, I would give them a thousand bucks. My sister matched it. So did their father. I have a bloodhound's nose. Christopher has a year to go; Ari's friends are jealous of the pact, and he laughs at them as they smoke and he doesn't. And more than one of his friends have said they wished their parents had done the same thing. My sons know I will honour the agreement, just as promised punishments are delivered.

Do not be the 'cool' parent. You should be more 'pain in the ass' than cool. A bunch of 13-year-olds getting drunk in your basement? Stupid. A bunch of 17-year-olds having a beer during Super Bowl? I can live with that. Most kids are too weirded out to drink in front of parents. They'll grab a Coke instead. It's almost like they know they should be sneaking around like criminals.

I don't care if a teenager wants a glass of wine at dinner. They don't, so it saves me wine. Encouraging your kids to get drunk is stupid. Acknowledging it can happen is smart, and making sure they can tell you and call you is paramount. If a kid calls me in the middle of the night (and not just mine; my phone number is in a lot of teen's wallets), I will get them, no questions asked. It is imperative they do not get in a car with an impaired driver, and do not drive drunk. Call.

Teach them one simple rule: You can always follow a bad decision with a good one. And make sure that talking to you is always a good decision.

A: Dear M,

Sweetie, you have several problems here and while it may seem they all lead back to Captain Fantastic (CF), they actually all lead back to you. Let's unbraid them.

After 9 months in an exclusive relationship with a man you share your bed and heart with, you would like to be appreciated, loved and valued. Out loud. Words. Words that he won't give you. While words of love don't cost anything, they hold great value, perhaps the greatest value we know. As the cost is apparently too great to him, there are two possibilities: he doesn't love you, in which case you need to leave him and go give your love to someone who reciprocates your feelings. Or he does love you, but enjoys withholding that love from you and watching you twist, in which case you need to leave him and go give your love to someone who reciprocates your feelings and isn't too mean to let you know.

From your letter, he seems capable of love. He seems to love himself a great deal. I'm presuming he is aware of how you feel, that you have had a conversation with him, adult to adult, and said "this is what I need in this relationship to be happy, to be fulfilled, to feel valued and confident". I don't call this 'coddled'. I call this forthright. People have different needs, but I've found that in general, most people are happier if they feel they are attractive to their partner, if that partner makes an effort to protect and nurture that relationship, and if they feel valued. Captain Fantastic seems to only have one side of that dialled in - he's getting all he needs from you, and he's getting it for very little cost.

Why is this your fault? Because you are accepting it.That resentment you mention? That's your understanding that this is wrong. Resentment is a very real emotion, yet another one you are stuffing down to be with this guy.

Moving right along...different cultures. This can split two ways. Many different cultures and religions can come together harmoniously. Genuine love and mutual respect often unite the most disparate families. I've seen it happen; as our world gets smaller and smaller, the chances of maintaining pre-historic 'tribes' are remote. I have watched this play out in my own family. It can be wrong to assume a family will reject you based on your faith or background.

It can also be right. Maybe CF knows damned well that his parents will freak out if he brings you home. Perhaps they have his future mapped out, and it doesn't include you. Maybe he's getting in all the fun he can before they lock him down and marry him off. You get one of two scenarios: he is ashamed of you - in which case, you need to move along and find someone who is proud of you. Or he is afraid of his parents, in which case you need to move along and find someone who is a grown up.

I would never suggest anyone dismiss their parents' feelings, or separate from their cultural underpinnings in a reckless manner. What I would say is that you haven't seen an inkling that this young man is prepared to support you in the face of adversity, or that his dealings with his family remotely resemble someone who is making adult decisions.

So how is the family issue your fault? You are allowing him to treat you with disrespect. Meeting the parents matters to you; it should. While I'm all for children loving their parents, you're stuck on the bottom of the teeter totter, with his family riding high - and I don't think it's going to go back up.

This is a long-winded version of this: you are not getting much out of this relationship. I doubt that will change. But going forward, you can at least know heading into another one to require open and frank communication. At nine months, love just shouldn't be this much work. This is the springtime of a relationship. What you're describing is the last dead period before the snow.

You're young. Go be happy. Love and be loved. Require it.

A: Dear Wally,

First, let me say I am appalled, once again, by the morons who are allowed to reproduce.

Now then. You don't say how old the lad is, but if he's anywhere from 3 to about, oh I dunno, 20, I can safely say that after the third time you HAVEN'T come to the fence to witness his little drama, he'll quit. As for his mother? She'll never change. Too bad, too. Kid is in for a world of hurt if that's the example he has to lead him.

But for your peace of mind, please read this piece. Originally published by the U.S. Coast Guard, it's been linked and picked up virally, and it's really worth sending on. 'Drowning Doesn't Look Like Drowning' is important. It also should give you a few more tools in your kit for dealing with your Boy Who Cries Wolf.

It's also important for parents who think they can sit by the pool or the dock on the computer, with a book, or on the phone. You can't trust your ears: you are rarely likely to get an audio warning that someone is in trouble.

Now that these are your awesome new neighbours, all I can suggest is that if you ever see the kid unattended in the pool, call authorities. It's a crappy way to have to deal with people you must live with, but there are some things you can't let slide. You've done the right thing in addressing his mother. It's unfortunate that people can't appreciate something more neighbourly and caring than a visit from the police or Child Protection Services, but you've done your duty.

A: Dear What Do I Do,

I remember your letter. You and your husband are in your late 20s, financially secure, and happily married. He was raised by unhappy parents. Let's start there. By all indications, you and your husband have a entirely different marriage then the one his parents have. But kids have a weird way of responding to discord in a family: they blame themselves. I'm wondering whether your husband, upon reflection, isn't thinking his parents might have been happier if they hadn't had kids. Maybe he thinks children - him - wrecked the marriage. Maybe he fears a child will wreck yours.

It is difficult, if not impossible, to have an open discussion about a topic when one of the participants has shut down. I worry that you feel unable to talk about something that is such a crucial part of your relationship. I agree that people grow and change and change their minds about things. But this issue is a central part of your marriage; the issue of having children- or not - is a central part of any marriage. I cringe when someone crashes into being married without discussing something this big. You did all the right things, had all the right conversations, and now feel not only cheated, but shut down. Your feelings are valid; so are his, but he doesn't get to gather up his thoughts on the topic and go home. This involves you. You are his wife.

I don't believe anyone should ever be talked into any major decision. I don't believe anyone should be tricked into major changes. I do, however, believe that there are times when someone should be strongly encouraged to seek out an independent third party for assistance. I think you might have a better chance of finding out what's going on with a referee in the room. A counsellor. And here's why I think you need to push him, even once, to consider it: whether you admit it to yourself now or not, if you stay silent, and the laws of inertia let your marriage chug along, and your husband never brings up the topic again, you will resent him. Every time another couple in your sphere produces another little hatchling, you will add a brick to the wall that will slowly come between you.

You discussed children before you were married, and came to an agreement. You discussed children after your were married, and were still in agreement. The very least you are owed is an explanation if that agreement is now being tossed out the window. Your feelings are just as valid as his. He must be as considerate of you as you are prepared to be of him.

This could actually be quite simple. Perhaps he is thinking a two year time frame, and you are thinking more immediate. Maybe in the past few months, your baby fever has heated up more than you realize. This is something that can be negotiated. It might be a question of 'when', not 'if'. But silence lends itself to invention, and if your imagination is filling it the spaces, your husband needs to speak up and take part in a very real conversation, with some very real decisions being made. Maybe he is thinking 'oh geez, I didn't know she wanted to get pregnant on Tuesday', not the more dramatic 'I never want to have kids'. Without a heart- to- heart, both of you are doing each other a disservice. Before one of you is doomed to heartbreak, I highly suggest a chat with a counsellor - someone who can rationally bring up the issues, and help you untangle them.

Good luck to you both. And if you want me to open up a blog post to hear from the men on this topic, just ask. I'm sure you'll read some valuable things.

A: Dear Liz,

I'm going to answer your note with a blend of having teenage sons now, and remembering my own teenage years. It can really help to dredge up some honest memories.

We do ourselves no favours by asking questions we already know the answers to. Instead of 'how did this earring get in your bed?', turn it a little. You know it's hers; you're well past the 'you're not allowed to have sex' discussion, so instead get to the nut of what really matters to you. He is acting disrespectfully toward you, his little brother, and his girlfriend. If they were to be surprised by family coming home, he would be putting all of you in an awkward situation.'Please consider the impact your actions will have on others'.

I agree that lying to you is unacceptable, and I don't know a single teenager who doesn't do it. But if telling the truth will only get you punished every time, they're gonna lie. I am a big proponent of counsellors being on tap for teenagers, especially those who specialize with young people. But a counsellor should be viewed as a tool, a source of support, not as punishment. Your son should also know that his conversations with a counsellor will be private, unless he has expressed a desire to hurt himself or others. Let him use this place to vent and question safely. Everybody needs a runaway lane once in awhile.

But as much as I understand your concern over the sex, there is a far bigger issue at play here. If this young girl has the kind of turmoil in her family that you've alluded to, it is this that is forming the dynamic between her and your son. If her father is unable to parent or devote attention, she will look for that male attention elsewhere. She has found it in your son. At their ages, everything is pretty black and white, and they don't have the experience to put this relationship in a greater perspective: it is everything, because neither of them know they will look back and see it as a stop on the road to adulthood.

Your son sees himself as her protector, no doubt. Regardless of how good or bad her parents are (and you are right to understand you are getting these reports through his Sir Galahad prism), she has found male attention, support, direction and love in your son. If you, too, push back against her, he will protect her from you, as well. You've actually probably raised a pretty nice kid: hickies aside (and yeah, they're gross, but other kids think so too. That behaviour will peer pressure itself to a manageable level), she's no doubt drawn as much to his regular, stable family life as she is to the public displays of affection. Remember: she is searching for something that is missing.

The 'she's scared of you' is pretty common. It usually indicates a parent who is engaged in their kid's life, and takes the time to do things like visit the school, get a counsellor, buy condoms. An engaged parent pisses teenagers off, initially. But I'll tell you now: diss her to your own peril. It's pointless, and nobody wins. Her fear will present itself as anger or sass (geez, I sound a hundred years old), but don't forget the girl inside. And at 15, you bet she's still a girl.

I would try this. Tell 'Bill' he's obviously happy dating this young lady, and for that you're happy too. Initial shock made you overreact - he is your firstborn, this is all new to you too. You would like to include her in some family things, so that she can be a part of things and get to know all of you. You will not be encouraging their sexuality, but neither will you be pretending it doesn't exist. Ask if she'd come to dinner or lunch, and don't make it an interrogation. Talk about her interests, not her family. Relax. Compliment her tattoos and piercings, or whatever is going on, but don't make her feel she's on a witness stand. If her home situation really is bad, at some point this girl could probably use a kind, calm advocate. But don't expect her to sell her parents out, just keep silently hoping they get their sh*t together if indeed it is splintered at this time.

You're at a crappy crossroads; you can't give him free reign to run over the rest of the family, but you can't keep punishing him should he tell you the truth. Keep an eye on his younger brother through all of this - if you notice anything off, get him to a counsellor too. 'Bill' is getting to the driving age, and if you don't trust him, he won't be driving your vehicles. That's a flat out deal breaker. But if you can both make steps toward the middle (yes, we parents also screw up and must change), perhaps a family counsellor can bridge the remaining gap.

Oh, and do me one favour: don't toss around terms like 'pathological liar'. I know it is tempting, but it lends an extreme, possibly damaging tone to a situation that doesn't need any more pressure. That's a pretty severe, real diagnosis, and you and I aren't equipped to make it. I do understand your frustration; but your son is still there, he's just pushing back very hard against the person he knows won't abandon him: you.

Best of luck.

A: Dear Omemeeozzie,

Let me start out by saying it is not fair to punish your wife for that which you are unable or unwilling to take note of. I will make a small wager than when she has stumbled over the threshold with several bags, and said "Wanna see what I got today?" you probably said "No. But I think we're out of celery seed."

This means she can put said loot away. I prefer to leave things strewn about the house, as they do a slow motion migration to where they belong. I also tend to shop the way enemy forces begin a war: a full out assault that leaves little left at the end. I go a couple times a year to replace the worn and weary, and I do it as fast as I can. Why do we end up with so many variations of a similar thing? It's psychological. If I own a small white cardigan that looks rather stunning on me, it is only normal that my eye will be drawn to similar small white cardigans in the future. And if I don't buy it, someone else will, and they will looking stunning in it instead of me. Can't have that.

I am unlike many women in that regard. I do not see shopping as therapeutic, fun or an adventure. Whenever possible, I wear jeans (usually owned by someone other than me), sweatshirts and slippers. When the situation requires more polish I wear jeans (owned by me), a jacket and boots. I haven't worn pantyhose since 1986. I am aware that many women still love to shop. I do not go with them, because I find malls loud and obnoxious with people driving on the wrong side, and those small little choochy shops in the core cost too much and sell clothing designed to make everyone look the same, which I can achieve by shopping at American Eagle for far less.

When it comes to shoes, however, all things change. Here's the secret about women and shoes: no matter what, we always wear the same size. That is the joy of shoes for a woman. Even on my fattest fat day, I can put on a pair of fabulous black pumps and I'm still a size 9. I can consider funky boots with a great heel, and imagine I'm not too old for those boots. I am, but I can imagine I'm not. We screw up with shoes, though. When you fall in love with a pair of fabulous shoes, and you know in your heart you can't really walk in them, but they look so awesome, you buy them. You keep them the box for a month or two, then you buy a pair nearly the same that aren't quite as high. So you have the pair you wanted, and the pair you can actually wear. The fact these shoes look almost the same means your wife has far more shoes than you realize.

You know how you can buy one of those all-in-one screwdrivers? With a little twist, you can change from a Robertson to a flathead or a Phillips? You know how that screwdriver, in theory, is pretty awesome? But in practice, you know in your heart you really need the right tool for the job, because all-in-one tools are always too lightweight for a real job?

Men buy shoes like women buy all-in-one screwdrivers.

Women buy shoes to make sure they have the right tool for the job.

I am being sexist. I actually have great tools, because I like to use them. And just like you can make do with that chintzy screwdriver when there is nothing else available, we can wear plain black pumps even though we know the navy and cream spectator pumps would look far better. And, do not get me started on beige shoes.

Men have dress up shoes they wear once a year. They have the shoes they wear every day, usually brown, and when they get too scruffy they buy another pair the same. And the old ones become the lawn cutting shoes, and the other lawn cutting shoes get moved to the garage for when it's too cold to run out to the garbage and you're in your slippers and you'll get yelled at for going outside in your slippers. And men have workboots, which everyone knows last for 42 years, or until you leave them in the back of your buddy's pickup by mistake and now he can't find them. But you just know he's taken them, because a pair of broken in workboots are worth their weight in gold.

Most men also buy a pair of sandals at some point, though no matter who you are, they look dorky. So you wait until you're finally old enough to not care how stupid you look, then you wear them anyway.

I do not get the whole handbag thing. I use one until it wears out, then I get another one the same. The only change I make is for travelling, because the airlines have instituted a rule that says 'one carryon, one handbag'. So my travel 'handbag' can hold a life raft, spare shoes, a cardigan, a first aid kit, a jumbo bag of cherry Nibs, a flashlight, 2 paperbacks, mints, tweezers, 4 different currencies, a water bottle, the remote to the TV at the last hotel I was at (don't ask), and a small yapping dog. If I wanted a small yapping dog. Which I do not.

The airlines shouldn't play games like this with me; they will lose.

A: Dear Widow,

You aren't going to like what I'm going to say, but I'm going to say it anyway. This is just as bad as booze or drugs or gambling. Addiction to these games triggers the same response mechanisms in the brain that are the 'rush' factors for addicts. Any kind of addicts.

You have a man who is playing up to 48 hours a week - a week - on a computer game. Almost a third of his life is spent here. When the other two thirds are work and sleeping, what are you married to?

I know a lot about Warcraft. It is in my house. My sons play it. I hate it. We have had battles for 2 years now - battles that have entailed cut computer time, imposed Warcraft bannings, and me ripping my hair out. The thing is, I can still ban my kids from playing it. I can still yank their computers (I disconnect the keyboard). I can still be the parent.

But what do you do when it is your partner? First, call this what it is: an addiction. If he won't address this with you, go to Al-Anon or a similar support group. You will not be alone. They will help you understand that you are living with an addict, and when you hear and recognize the patterns of addiction ("I don't have a problem" "You're overreacting" "At least I don't do drugs" "I can quit whenever I want"), you will start to understand your next steps.

I'll be blunt: don't have kids with this guy. You will be a single mother. He will not trade his computer for a kid. I can almost guarantee it. And the world doesn't need another child who is ignored by a selfish parent.

You need more than me for this. You can't make him see addiction counselling as a good thing unless he wants it. He seems to have no inclination to quit, or believe anything is wrong. "I've obviously changed my mind" is not something you can build a solid marriage and family on. Please see a therapist for yourself, or find an Al-Anon meeting in your town. Google it or check your phone book.

You deserve more in life than someone who has disappeared into another world and abandoned you. Don't wait for children to come along and hobble your abilities to make decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life. You deserve better; I'm sure your husband does too, but you can't force someone to change who doesn't want to.

A: Dear Options,

We've lived this debate in my home for years now. And what I'm going to tell you is not in line with all the information being stuffed at you by the Powers That Be.

This causes young kids incredible stress. Suddenly getting to school every day, studying, hitting the mark, keeping fit and developing friendships isn't enough. Now they have to map out their entire lives. And I agree with you: People change so much, they're mapping out the lives of someone who they really don't know yet.

My oldest, Christopher, is doing a victory lap. If you're writing from within Ontario, you'll know they lopped off Grade 13 a few years back. It was to save money; but it has arguably caused many rifts for children heading off to university less mature and less prepared than ever before. Like your son, Christopher was all over the map interest-wise in grade 10. He too liked playing football and eating. We found that the restrictions on options (they have to take English, Math, history, geography, civics, careers and a few others) didn't leave many options each year, and while I wanted him to stay in French, he wanted phys ed or shop. If he'd had musical or artist talent, it would have further narrowed down his choices. Thank heavens those disciplines have eluded him.

He dumped French. He stuck with the basic math I insisted on, though it's one of his weaker subjects. He's a good writer with a gift for BS - wonder where he gets that from. In grade 10, he decided he wanted to pursue business. By grade 11, he was no longer sure. By grade 12, the stress was horrid, and I just looked at him and said "you can take another semester or year to figure this out". It was a release valve. He's back picking up some courses this year with his heart headed in a new direction - philosophy.

Statistics (I should link something here; they're everywhere, so Google away) indicate that something like more than 30% of first year university kids change their major after that first year. That tells me the figuring out they used to do in high school is now being done at university or college. Where it's conceivably costing tens of thousands of dollars. I know high school isn't free; but it's a hell of a lot cheaper for a kid to discover their direction there than in a huge, strange structure.

On a strictly observational level, I've found that girls seem more dialled in than boys at this point in their lives. Some of them need a little extra time. I think it's important that your son loves football. He's learning a lot there. He should probably start looking at a part time job this summer - I don't like students working endlessly, but a couple of shifts a week during the school year is good for self esteem, and exposure to the work world. (Taxes are a huge surprise to many.)

My youngest was probably even more stressed by the 'pick your life today' speech than his brother. The problem is that they throw all the options at all the kids all at once. He came home from that assembly thoroughly rattled. How did I step in?

We know our kids better than anyone. Can you picture him sitting behind a desk all day in a cubicle farm? Can you picture him speaking to large groups of people? Can you picture him with a job that has him travelling or on the road a lot? Does he like to work with his hands, is he artistic? Are sports his single biggest interest? Has he expressed curiosity in the work done by people you know, or by you? Rather than considering jobs, you need to be considering skills and interests. Many of them are transferable across many disciplines. A little imagination can open many doors.

Do a little research on your own. Look up predicted trends for long term work projections. With a rapidly aging population, many areas are going to see surges in required workers. Kids who prefer definite conclusions and precise answers might be thrilled to work with numbers and planning. Good math brain, but can't sit still for long? Lots of trades are going to be needing journeymen in the coming decades. Good critical thinker, likes a debate? Develop good communications skills - research and writing - and there are many fields (teacher, communications) that open up.

My youngest finally spit out that he wants to go into the trades. He's got a terrific mind for math, though the reading and writing has always been a struggle. He loves working with his hands, and our family is full of blue collar men (Grandpa was a bricklayer; his stepdad is a sheet metal journeyman). he watched his stepdad complete his apprenticeship, and knows what it takes. His high school has a two year program to get them started, and he applied and was accepted. I think it might have been the happiest day of his life when he walked in and showed me the acceptance. He'll take required science and math courses, and I've asked him to consider keeping his French. he grumbles; we'll duke it out later. His last two years of high school have a direction he is happy with. And you know what? If he changes his mind, that's fine with me.

We can only live each day as it comes. Talk to your son about his ups and downs, and let him know he's not alone. Most people have accepted that we will change jobs - and even careers - more and more. The days of 40 years with a company are over; let him know that's fine, and the best preparation is flexibility, curiosity and a belief in himself. I want my boys to be independent, productive and happy. If they can find their direction in school, great. If they need to look elsewhere, I'll support that decision too. The world's a big place - it's never a bad idea to see some of it before claiming your spot in it. Check out programs like Katimavik (http://www.katimavik.org/) in Canada.

Mostly? Let him know the school's framework is artificial. You should require him to work hard and keep an open mind, develop his interests and honour his obligations. Schools want students to succeed - they are there for guidance. But you know your son best. Encourage him to keep doors open, but none is slammed shut so tight it can't be hammered open with a semester of make up courses or some summer school. Your faith in him is probably the most important tool he has. After all that, I let my sons define their own programs.

And hey, I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up until I was 40.

A:Dear How Do You Know,

Interesting you should ask me this one. I know, I have two kids (18 & 15). But I never, ever imagined having kids growing up. I didn't want them. And it wasn't some dire family horror stories - I just pictured myself as a single lawyer with no kids. See how that worked out?

First, forget the horror stories. It serves no purpose, and people who do that should be smacked, if you ask me. You'd have to be living under a rock these days to not appreciate that yes, there can be complications with conceiving, delivering and raising a child. There can be complications crossing the street.

The fact you both are talking about this is good. Child as Leverage is never a good sign; both of you wanting the same thing is a wonderful way to approach this.

Practically speaking, when you have the time you don't have the money. And when you have the money, you don't have the time. That is the kid thing that trips most of us up. You are right to be considering this, medically speaking, at your age. Waiting until you're 40 can bring additional heartache as your body says 'what the hell are you doing? I was ready 20 years ago, and now I'm beat!'. Yes, women conceive and have children into their 40s. But the numbers work better in your favour at a younger age. Don't throw things at me. It's a fact.

So. You and your husband are solid. Having no debt and being settled in a home tells me you have similar values. This is probably the most important sign you can have a long and healthy relationship. How you handle and respect money is a big one. If you both agree, you're over a huge hurdle already. I'm glad you found each other. Truly. I wish more people would pay attention to this stuff.

Do you both work? Can you exist on one salary? Having a baby is one thing on paper, another in the execution. Talk about how you want to raise this little guppy. Can you afford one of you to take a break from their career arc if that's what you decide to do for a few years? Some women (and increasingly, more men) stay home with a child and are thrilled. Many find it suffocating. I had a company with my boys' father, and worked part time doing my work while they were young. We planned it that way; decide how much flexibility you have while the child is young.

When they start school, they get sick and you have to stay home with them. If one of you is a lawyer putting in 100+ hour weeks, something will have to give. If you have a job that gives you a lot of money but zero freedom, a rethink might be in order. When you have a child, you start to measure things other then by money.

Yes, you will be exhausted! I'm still exhausted! My kids nursed every two hours, around the clock, seemingly forever. Now, they just plow through 300 bucks worth of groceries a week. But it passes; every stage brings with it new joys, and new concerns. You're responsible for every moment of this little one's life; as they get more independent, you stress that you can't control every aspect any more. It's a learning curve for the child, and for you.

As for your in-laws: you can't know what's in any marriage unless you're one of the two people in it. I'm sorry your husband grew up in a miserable household. People stay together for many reasons, but obviously that 'for the kids' one can backfire. It sounds like your mom gave you a wonderful outlook, and great tools for being a responsible adult. All of these things work in your favour: you can go forward adopting the parts of your histories that were great, and correcting the ones that weren't. Your love and respect for one another will hold you in very good stead as parents.

You don't have to buy a child everything they want; you're better off not doing that, frankly. You don't have to outfit them in expensive clothes (they just barf on everything anyway). They don't need rep teams and 6 kinds of lessons to be happy. Two parents who love each other and are working in tandem to raise him is the best thing any kid could have. There will be challenges. I love my boys, and I happen to like them as well. But there are days...

It ain't all sunshine and roses. There are tears, and shouts, and worry. But watching them become independent of me is wonderful. You raise them with love and respect, you don't sweat the little things, and you trust your gut about their well-being. You talk to parents you see doing something right. You watch for warning signs, you advocate for your child while letting him fight his own battles, at every step. And you love them.

Sounds corny, and it can be. But if you love kids and want one, don't be scared. A stable loving home is the best gift you can give a child. Not money, not Baby Gap outfits, not private school. Love each other, pledge to support one another no matter what the future brings, and a child will test all this on a daily basis. If you're someone who can see the beauty in the small moments, and can get over spills on the new couch, and doing laundry in the middle of the night, go for it.

You can only live one day at a time. You only have to do it one day at a time.

A:Dear Conversation Starter,

Don't freak out. I mean it. Do not freak out.

He knows you found it. That fact is now hanging over his head like a guillotine. If he is close to his father, and the two of you are still a team for parenting, you need to first talk with Dad. If Dad is a freaker, wait until your son has returned home to you.

It may be little comfort, but your son is doing what most kids do. I was at a football game the other day, and was speaking with a bunch of other parents. Turns out my 15-year-old is one of only about 5 kids who aren't smoking dope in a particular class of his. And don't think that makes me jump up and down with joy; it means it's right there, totally accessible, and the numbers aren't in our favour. I've been talking about drugs and booze and sex with my boys since they were old enough to cringe and clap their hands over their ears. You need to be having this conversation on an ongoing basis.

What he may have thought was unthinkable a year ago - or even 2 months ago - can change in a heartbeat. It's a fluid discussion, not a one hit wonder where you check it off your list and move on. Involved parents - the kind who speak openly and honestly without freaking out - have the very best chance of assisting their kids in making good decisions. Note I didn't say keeping kids out of trouble; it's their job to get into trouble. It's our job to help them steer the ship when the water gets rough.

You need to see what's behind his decision. "Everyone's doing it" means he needs some coping tools for peer pressure. If it's deeper than that - if he's upset, troubled, confused, angry - I urge you to get him to a counsellor who specializes in teens. Respect the fact your son is becoming a complex individual, and there are aspects of him you do not know. That's hard to hear, but it's the truth. I pretty much play the 'my house, my rules' card, but I also respect my sons enough to consider their thoughts and respect their opinions. You need to listen to him as much as you need to talk to him.

Here's the thing: he's smoking drugs, and that's not acceptable in your home. He's blowing out brain cells he hasn't even acquired yet, and he's putting his own health and safety at risk. My biggest concern these days with pot (and most stuff) is that you don't know what's in it. It has higher concentrations of THC than it did when we were mucking about in high school. With a full blown recession on, drugs are cheaper. And they're everywhere. Parents who don't believe their kids can easily get their hands on anything are kidding themselves. But the thing is, you can't remove every temptation from your child; you have to give them the tools to decide how to handle it.

The fact he's involved in sports is a big deal. You can't be high and play well. When you choose to talk to him - and don't jump him when he walks in the door - stay very calm. Tell him you need to talk about what's going on. Tell him the discussion is not a choice, but how he handles it, is. He will be more forthcoming if you are calm. If you lash out, he'll get defensive and nothing will be accomplished.

"I found the bong. We need to talk," you'll say.
"No we don't. Leave me alone." I guarantee he will say.
"I love you too much to leave you alone. Siddown."

He needs clear boundaries in place, from you, and reinforced at his Dad's. Same rules. I'm hoping you and his Dad can work as a team. It's important. You don't want him smoking drugs, or cigarettes. It's not only habit forming and dangerous, it clouds judgment and can result in some really stupid decisions. Sober kids rarely kick over headstones, graffiti buildings, or throw fireworks at the police station. You don't want him drinking.

That said, you also want him to make sure he never compounds one bad decision with a second one. If he is unable to get home safely, he is to call you. Regardless of the time, the situation or the company. If he is in over his head, he is not to get into a car with anyone impaired, ever. He is to call. You will not yell at him. You will come and get him.

It will be discussed the next day. He will not be punished for doing what you have told him to do.

If a bad decision if followed by a smart one, you will work with him. He has to know you are on his side.

Peer pressure is immense. But remind him that he is a peer too, and playing sports and getting good grades are examples as well. "I've got a game tomorrow" is a great escape.

Because my father died with lungs full of asbestos, I am defiant about smoking. I told my sons when they were really young I would make them a deal. If they reached their 20th birthday and hadn't smoked (anything), I would give them $1,000. Cash. We are not rich. Not even close. I have a nose like a bloodhound, and they know it. If I smell smoke (or find pot or smokes), thousand bucks, gone. But it got better. My sister said she'd join in. So did my other sister. And their Dad. All told, each kid stands to get $3,000 on their 20th birthday, no strings. It is a flat out bribe. But when one of their friends offers them something, they laugh and say no way are they jeopardizing 3 grand. They can blame me.

I've also told my sons if they are picked up by the police and tossed in jail, they will stay there until morning. They know the house rules, they know society's rules, and they know if they follow someone else into trouble, they are being stupid. And stupid costs.

It sounds like you have a great kid. Tell him the trust you have in him is very important to you, and you don't want it compromised. But if his behaviour forces you to, you will yank your trust. And rebuilding takes an awful long time.

Meet this head on, calmly. Don't read more into it than there is, and don't transfer your own baggage onto it. Be honest about your concerns as well as your expectations. You don't pound a gnat with a hammer, but you also don't leave him to struggle on his own. As a parent, you guide him, but ultimately he will be responsible for his own decisions.

Just tell him he has an ally in making those decisions.

Best of luck. There are a lot of us dealing with the same things.

A:Dear Not a Nag,

See how I did that? I already validated your concerns. Which is what your husband should have done. Fortunately for you, I am fluently bilingual. I speak English and Guy. I can also swear in German, but that doesn't matter right now.

Men and women are wired differently. That's not a bad thing in a lot of ways, but when it comes to words, more fights start - and are prolonged - and it's usually so avoidable. We talk the way we dress; men put on a pair of pants and shirt and say 'ready'. Women try on that dress, these pants, iron that blouse, go looking for the right bra, dig through the closet for different shoes, swear when the skirt won't fit and hold up 6 different earrings. And then say 'I'm not sure. What do you think?'

Most men say something once and presume that should do it. Many women (and I am one of them) say something as if I'm trying on a dozen different outfits. And I expect the man I'm saying it to to hear each rendition, reply back and make a thing called a conversation. Men have their finger poised over the mute button wondering if they can unleash the grunting from UFC and not piss you off.

I would love to tell your husband he's a lucky guy. Your questions were based on fear for his personal safety, not jealousy wondering if he was in another's bed. In which case he should then be worried for his personal safety.

Here's the thing: he always calls. And he always calls because it's important to him that you care enough to be waiting for his call. It's nice to be cared for, and he likes it.

The other night, he forgot to call. One night. I dunno why. Maybe someone stuck their head in his office or workspace and they debated whether the Coyotes are coming to Hamilton or not. Maybe when he shut down his computer, it choked and he had to spend an extra 5 minutes rebooting it first. Maybe he got all the way down and realized he'd forgotten his keys and had to go back up. We do things by rote. And when the things we do automatically get derailed, even by something small, the repercussions go down the line. Ever forget to set the alarm? It's like that morning. You need to keep in perspective this is a *single* time.

I think your husband doesn't fight well because he doesn't like to fight. He's probably a champion at not confronting people, which is probably why he's a nice guy. He doesn't punch random people in the supermarket or tell your mother she's a bitch. This is a nice quality in a husband.

But he's married now, and you are going to have to set up some boundaries where both of you can safely express concern, or hurt, or simply have a difference of opinion. It's okay. It's healthy. Tell him if he would prefer you only say something once, that all he has to do is respond. Tell him girl-hearing makes up things when it's not filled with a response.

You: "Can you put the load into the dryer for me, please?"
Him: "Give me a minute, but I'll change the load, no problem."

Men will file away the request, intending to do it, but not verbally respond. When they ignore us, we try on a different version.

"Did you flip the laundry?"
"Did you do the dryer yet?"
"Didn't you hear me ask you to switch loads?"
"Do I have to do everything around here?"

Men: It's like Nike, guys. Just Do It. Acknowledge what we said, and we'll shut up. And if we start babbling about that slut at work, be glad we have friends to call so you don't have to hear it.

Still Men: If you've screwed up or forgotten something, just say so. "I meant to call, sorry. I didn't mean to worry you." At which point, ladies, drop it. There is nothing weak in admitting you've forgotten something or screwed up, Accepting responsibility for yourself is underrated, but one of the most appealing traits in a person of either gender.

If this doesn't help, call me back and I'll teach you how to swear in German.

A:Dear Annie,

The good news is that you have a son who can talk to you. The bad news is, like many of us, you weren't asking the right questions.

Call me cynical, but I figure any time a boy and a girl are alone together, they're probably doing something they wouldn't do in front of their parents. Heck, any time any gender of teens are together, that's probably true. And I adore my kids, and generally enjoy most teenagers as company immensely.

But we need to talk plainly about sex, birth control, drugs, and booze before they're faced with it. Years before. And unlike many 'experts', I refuse to vilify male teens as overly aggressive; in a relationship without a huge age disparity, the girls are just as likely, if not more, to expedite sexual behaviour. It would do a lot of mothers good to remember, honestly, how 14 and 15 felt, and the importance that boys and relationships played in our lives.

Back to your dilemma: I'll be honest. This isn't about whether he can see her any more or not, or whether you support this relationship anymore. This is about whether or not the girl is pregnant. All discussion stems from this. A teenage girl being 'late' getting her period is pretty normal. If she hasn't had her period by the time you read this, she needs to take a pregnancy test or see her doctor.

If she is pregnant, and she decides to keep the baby, your son is responsible for that child. If she is pregnant, and she decides to terminate the pregnancy, or give the child up for adoption, your son's actions have produced results that will have a lifelong impact on both himself, and this girl. These are all pretty heavy duty concerns.

Your next steps must be taken carefully, but they must be taken. Tell your son the biggest concern right this second is her health. I also have concerns for your son's health. If she's had multiple partners, and doesn't use protection (by the way, 'we did it once without a condom' - total BS. They haven't been using condoms. Sorry.), he also needs to see a doctor for a full STD screening. There are several STDs running rampant, especially among teens, and your son needs to see his doctor.

I'm sitting here debating about talking to her mother. Part of me is imagining your son's meltdown if you do that, but a larger part of me is considering that IF this is just a scare, but her mother finally realizes what her daughter has been up to, this young girl can be put promptly on a path to better medical considerations about being sexual active (yearly paps, how to avoid unwanted pregnancy, how to protect against STDs). I can make a thousand assumptions about why a girl of 14 (or younger) is sexually active, but many would be useless and many would be wrong. We see children; biology sees sexual beings.

This girl has spent time in your home. You know her. I would call her. I would say "Honey, we have a very big issue here, and we need to start making some decisions. I will come out there to take you to a doctor's appointment, but I would prefer you had a talk with your mother. Tell me which option you would like to choose."

Anyone can buy a home pregnancy test. You could know by the end of the day the answer to the question which drives the rest of this conversation. I'd make that call. I'd give her the option to talk to her mother before you do, but I'd only let her have it for the day. Time is an essential part of this equation.

Now, a side note to you, Mom. Do not blow up. Blow up later, if you like, but not now. Do not judge this girl's mother - your son isn't dating her. I didn't think you were a permissive mother for a second reading your letter. Your qualifier wasn't necessary. We all do the best we can under the circumstances and we all screw up. We also produce some amazing kids, and many of them become amazing because of how they recover from their mistakes. See? It's not that they don't make them - it's how they fix them.

You might end up being the only calm person in the room if this thing goes sideways. But be that person. If, if, if this girl is pregnant, she's carrying your grandchild. Oh, and these 'biological sexual beings'? They revert right back to being children when they get scared. And this is scaring them. Badly.

Emotionally, your son is going to need considerations as well. A pregnancy scare is enough to bust up most young teenage couples. And providing it's proven to be a scare, hopefully all will learn something and go forward better prepared. But if she is pregnant, regardless of whether they're a couple or not, he has responsibilities. Because of his age, those become your responsibilities, too.

Your son brought you this problem because he needs your help. He's not going to like all the ways you go about solving it, but remember that he brought it to you so you could use your wider experience and wisdom to solve it. Don't blame this girl; the two of them are in this together. He's trying to be kind (which is a nice reflection of how he was raised, don't you think?), and you need to allow him that.

Now, it's time to insert yourself into this problem as calmly, and as sanely, as possible.

It's not the end of the world; it only seems that way.

Best of luck.